Benefits
by Amielleon
Summary: Also known as, Ike's Sordid College Days. Or, You're 2000 Miles Away And All I Have Is This Shitty Phone. Ike and Soren get married, Ranulf hints at being a friend with benefits, people freak out and there are college flashbacks. Basically.


I sat down to write an entry for fe_contest's "Unity and Division" prompt. I'm still working on that. Tumblr made me write this first. Pretty much written top to bottom on a whim.

* * *

Benefits

(Also known as, Ike's Sordid College Days)

(Or, You're 2000 Miles Away And All I Have Is This Shitty Phone)

* * *

The wedding was fantastic and surprisingly painless. No, just like the afterprom had been the recipe for disaster, it was in the after-wedding that the Best Man – or one of them, at least – ruined everything.

"As you probably all know from the horror stories" – canned laughter from the audience – "I've been friends with Ike since the first day of freshman year at Delbray State. This is the second time I've had to give him up, the first being when I was forcibly graduated at the end of my fourth year. Now at this momentous point in our lives, I have only one question to ask."

Ranulf paused, quirked an ear, and looked at Ike. "So now that you're married, with a great house and loving husband who makes six figures, do I still get benefits?"

"Benefits," Loving Husband echoed icily from across the room.

Sensing that things could go very poorly, Rhys signaled to Ulki that they'd better release the balloon doves as soon as possible for everyone's sake, and all (or at least some) tension was drowned in a riptide of latex and frizzy hair.

Afterward, Ike told Ranulf very pointedly, "That wasn't funny."

* * *

– Although Ike may have been biased, given that he would be the one in closest proximity to Soren for the next few days. (He was the closest in general, but this was especially noticable when Soren was angry.)

Over a horrible supper of baked beans microwaved right out of the can, Soren set his fork down on his plate and looked across the table.

"It wasn't just a joke."

"What?"

"It wasn't just a joke," Soren repeated. "I can tell."

"Soren, do you honestly think I'm the kind of person to have friends with benefits?"

"One, you still haven't denied it." Soren took his fork delicately between his fingers and speared a single bean. "Two... there is no 'kind of person,' Ike. People are people. Are you and that cat..."

"No," Ike said flatly.

"Oh? What about that time when you didn't call for four hours after your plane landed?"

* * *

(805): Ike you have to help me. Right now.

.

(406): What? I'm in the airport. 2 hrs on the bus still

.

(805): Take the cab. Ill pay. You dont understand

(805): Kyza and lyre are keeping me under house arrest until I marry one of them

.

(805): I just managed to lock myself in the bathroom.

.

(406): I'm coming

.

(805): I think theyre going through our stuff out there

(805): Sweet Ashera he's got your sword

.

(805): I hope no one dies

.

(406): Tell them to leave my crap alone

.

(805): If I make a sound they'll remember I'm here.

* * *

"I was dealing with an emergency. Some ... acquaintances ... were vandalizing our place."

"Really? You didn't mention vandalism."

"It was complicated. One of Ranulf's friends was mishandling my sword and kept him locked up in the bathroom."

"... _Really_."

"... Ettard. You _know_ what I mean."

"No, I don't. That's the problem."

"I'm just saying, it was stupid teenager stuff."

"I see."

"It wasn't sexual!"

"... Supposing I believe all of this, what about all those evenings you didn't pick up?"

* * *

_Ranulf pricked his ears. "Hey, is that your phone?"_

"_I don't hear anything." Ike rummaged around in his pockets for it, just in case._

"_Oh, you're right. It's mine." Ranulf fetched his and began a flurry of thumb-typing._

"_... Oh, shit."_

"_What?" Ranulf didn't look up._

"_I hit the side buttons and set it to silent again."_

"_How many calls did you miss from your high-strung accountant this time?"_

"_Just two. He started trying five minutes ago."_

"_You can always thank me for saving your relationship."_

* * *

"My phone kept going into silent mode in my pocket."

"Convenient."

"Soren, there's nothing between us. He's my roommate. There's nothing appealing about watching someone get up in the morning and watching him cram food into his mouth."

"Thank you for the reassurance about our married life."

"I should stop talking," Ike said.

"Maybe you should," Soren echoed. He had finished his beans. Ike sullenly picked at his. "And I still want to know why you forgot, that one night in March."

* * *

_Friday night at ten o'clock. The television lights cast a ghoulish green tint on Elincia's face. She finished her drink and pointed a finger at Tibarn. "You. You're next."_

_Tibarn raised his palms. "Lady, you know I can't sing."_

"_Oh, that doesn't matter! No one here can sing. Come on, come on."_

_Ike idly checked his phone over the clashing yowls of three karaoke booths._

(773): Call me when you have a moment.

_One bar on the reception and a roomful of noise. Ike typed in a reply._

(406): Ok ill be home in an hour. Receptions bad.

_Two hours later he was stuck in traffic in an overcrowded car and designated driver Ranulf was at the wheel._

"_You were putting on a striking rendition of Telephone_ _when I came in," Ranulf was saying. Suddenly Ike remembered his forgotten promises. _

"_Tibarn's was better," Elincia demurred. "He's a natural contralto."_

_There were two messages from about half an hour ago._

(773): Never mind.

(773): I love you.

"_Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy," one fairly drunk Tibarn cracked in a bad imitation of Beyonce._

"_Everyone shut up for a minute, I've gotta make this phone call. I'm serious."_

* * *

"In a karaoke bar. Being dumb and losing track of time. I'm really sorry. I didn't think it was serious at first."

Staring at his plate, Soren muttered, "It wasn't, really. I was just alone in my dorm room feeling very sorry for myself."

"Still. I broke my promise. I'm sorry."

Soren stuck his empty fork in his mouth for a moment in contemplation. When he took it out, he said, "Instead of apologizing for being late, you asked me if I was okay. How did you know I was moping?"

Ike shrugged. "I don't know, I read your messages and you said, 'I love you' and I just kind of... knew."

Soren quirked an eyebrow. "What? I can't tell you that I love you?"

"You only ever say it when you're upset."

Soren nibbled on the end of his fork for a few more moments before saying very decisively, "Very well. Then since I've decided that I believe you and I'm not angry, should I not say it?"

A smile cracked across Ike's face. "I love you, Soren."

* * *

Ranulf soon afterward demonstrated that he wasn't giving Ike up at all, appropriating his living room upon a whim one afternoon while Soren was at work.

"What were you thinking, anyway," Ike commented, "bringing that up?"

"Hey, it's not often you get a roommate who cooks for you every day," Ranulf drawled.

Ike glanced at Ranulf and looked away. Ranulf glanced at Ike and looked away.

They slowly turned their heads to look at each other.

"Well, I mean," Ike started, "it wasn't an _regular_ thing..."

"Right. The Gallian Lions pulled a huge upset..."

"And I'd gotten three six-packs but everyone else was busy..."

"And we had this one-bedroom place so your bed was _right there_ in the living room and you asked about my circus training..."

"And it was what, ten minutes, tops."

"Yeah, butt stuff would've been going too far."

"It's not like I didn't enjoy it or anything, it's just..."

"It was before you and Soren were official. So it's fine."

"I'm not saying it wasn't fine. I'm saying, if he finds out, he'd flip his shit anyway."

"Right. So it never happened," Ranulf said.

"It never happened," Ike agreed. "No homo."

"Ike, you're gay married."

"Whatever."


End file.
